Above: Sydelle Cyrus and his mother Rachel at their Santa Cruz home. Makeup by Shenelle Escayg, photos by Mark Lyndersay.
My childhood was filled with wonder and difficulty, creativity and irritability, tantrums, meltdowns and laughter.
My teen years were characterised by struggles with identity and anger, my University years with isolation yet determination, creativity and a pursuit for excellence and stability which I knew was within me.
In my early childhood I was enrolled in a school for children with special educational needs at the recommendation of a Child Psychologist before being transferred to a private school, as I was not happy there.
I remember how I would make objects out of random materials such as foil, twisters and paper. I remember even retrieving materials from the trash. Though my autism in my childhood was unrecognized by both my parents and I, I had a longing to create things and my parents knew something was different about me.
I recall sometimes getting easily irritated when things did not go my way and having meltdowns. I have a somewhat vivid memory of this when I was in the school for children with special educational needs. There was an instance where we were playing with play-doh during break time, and it was time to finish that activity.
I however, didn’t want to stop, and when told to stop by the teachers, I would cry frantically and scream as I wanted to continue the activity. At the time, playing with play-doh was engaging for me as it engaged my creative tendencies.
My earliest memory of my fascination with music was when I got my first keyboard around the age of 9. I would literally spend hours on it. I was fascinated by the various harmonies. From there I developed perfect pitch.
Also during this period, I remembered my fascination with a mathematical activity called tables. I was able to recite and write up to the multiples of 99. I used to spend hours doing so, staying up nights writing. I would get irritated if I messed up, and would start over from 2 times tables even if I had gotten to 50 times tables. This engaged my autistic love for structure, though I didn’t know it at the time.
My social life and interaction with others during these periods was somewhat ambiguous as far as I can remember. It was definitely not like that of ‘normal’ kids, but different. Then again, who is to say what is normal, where such a term is merely a concept developed by society’s desire to box and define which behaviour is deemed a “norm”.
I interacted with other kids, though more in group settings and it was mainly my brother, who was more of a social butterfly, that engaged me in such groups as we went to the same school during our teenage years. My brother and I were very close.
Though my autism would be more of a hindrance for me with respect to my social life and interaction with other peers in my teen years, and grew only worse in my college years, it was to the benefit of honing in my musical skills which grew only stronger.
I struggled with low self-esteem during my teen years, particularly my late teens as I would often compare myself with others. I also had some anger issues during this time.
Through my college years at the University of Trinidad and Tobago I would often feel isolated. During my undergraduate year, though my brother and I had grown apart a bit, I developed a closeness with my sister, which helped to ease the feeling of isolation I felt at school.
What also helped, was that I was in an environment where my music was allowed to flourish and be nurtured. I spent a lot of time composing music and playing on my steelpan. I was very dedicated and focused which was driven by my love for music, which amazed the other students and my instructors. I had a hunger for perfection, and when my music didn’t turn out exactly as I wanted it, I would often get upset.
I poured my joy, insecurities and sadness into my music and saw it as a great medium to express myself.
After I finished my undergraduate degree at UTT, everything changed for me. The security and stability which that environment provided was now gone.
My sister and I were no longer as close as we once were, my youth was withering away, and I felt isolated from my mom and everyone around me. I would often feel like a stranger and a burden. These were the most challenging years of my life. I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts and felt lost. During this period, I felt that my musical journey was over as I graduated college and that there were no career opportunities in my field of interest.
Keep in mind that at the time, music was my life, the very air that I breathed contained music and I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. In addition to the nauseating feeling of doom and gloom in my musical career, I felt isolated in my family.
I would often feel alone in the world and that everyone was against me. During those years I dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide on multiple occasions. To help cope with these feelings, I met often with a psychologist, which really helped me. In the midst of all of these feelings I continued to practice and compose and my musical skills and creativity grew even stronger.
If I thought my UTT years were challenging I was in for a rude awakening during my graduate university years at North Illinois University. Being away from home and everything familiar was extremely difficult for me. Though I adapted quickly, surprising even myself, I eventually grew really fond of the musical environment, which helped to take away some of the sadness of being away from home.
This period can be characterised like being in a Category 5 hurricane with tsunami waves. I often felt extremely isolated and that no one wanted to interact with me. Against that background, the feeling of insecurities and low self-esteem which I felt during my late teen years, returned with a vengeance.
I often felt like giving up, and it was the encouragement from my mom and my relationship with God that strengthened and rallied me on. In the end and despite all of the challenges, I made it through and gained my Master’s degree in Music, one of the highest degrees to be gained. This made my family and I quite proud. These days I am a full time musician pursuing my career as a composer.
My journey is one of persistence and determination. My journey captures the unwavering encouragement and support of my mother and the help of God.My journey continues to evolve.
Add comment